School Jokes: Kids always know the wrong thing to say, little Johnny always knows the worst things to say. Some clean, some dirty, some downright filthy. Enjoy. --- Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?" Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything." --- Teacher: Amit, make a sentence starting with the letter 'I'. Amit: I is... Teacher: No, no, no, don't say "I is", you say "I am". Amit: OK, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. --- Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patty: Seven! Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patty: Seven! Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got? Patty: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got? Patty: Seven! Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven? Patty: I've already got one rabbit at home! --- Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!" --- "If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another fifty cents, how much money would you have?" "One dollar." answered little Johnny "You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed. Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy." --- The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months." Then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?" Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend." --- The teacher asks little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he says. "My daddy taught me." "Can you tell me what comes after three?" "Four," answers little Johnny. "What comes after six?" "Seven," answers little Johnny. "Very good," says the teacher. "Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," answers little Johnny. --- Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?" His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?" Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..." --- A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?" "Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.. "And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest. "Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny. --- Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!" His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?" "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" --- In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?" Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Ferrari" The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!" --- Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!" Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate". Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!". Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob". --- A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because yer feet ain't empty. --- An old man on crowded bus has trouble finding a seat. The bus careened down the avenue, shaking the passengers from left to right, and the old man, unable to support himself properly with his cane, fell to the floor. Little Johnny, sitting nearby, looked down at him and said, "If you put a little rubber cap on the end of your cane, you wouldn't fall like that. The old man looked up and replied, "If your daddy had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this stupid bus." --- Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls. Could you please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Little Johnny's mother takes him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "Take off my skirt..." Little Johnny takes off her skirt. "Take off my bra." He takes off her bra. "Now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Little Johnny is finally done taking off the clothes, she says, "Johnny, Please don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" --- Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep. Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" --- Little Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher has a brown paper bag She reaches her hand in it and says it's round, it's got a stem, and it's got a leaf. Little Johnny raises his hand and says it's an apple, it's an apple. The teacher says I like your thinking Jimmy, but it's actually a pear. Then he says now let me give you one. He reaches his hand in his pocket and says it's round, it's hard, and it's got a head. The teacher says Ohh Johnny that's grose. Little Johnny says no it's a quater but I like the way you're thinking. --- Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his father and his aunt Jane "hugging" in the parked vehicle. Johnny finds this very exciting and can barely contain himself so he runs home and starts to tell his mother, "I was at the playground and I saw daddy's car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look for them and I saw daddy giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane lay down on the seat, then daddy..." At this point, Johnny's mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story, so Johnny starts to talk, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "...then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Richard used to do when daddy was in the army." |
