Celebrity Jokes: Most celebs aren't the brightest sparks, buts here's a collection of jokes about the worst and most idiotic of them all. Including jokes about Bill Gates, Tiger Woods, and who could forget good old Bill Clinton. --- A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for. She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second. He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Terisia's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's clock was. The woman replied "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan." --- A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The bartender says, "Yep, that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman!!! Why kill a bicycle repairman?" --- Because Jackson’s body was 95% plastic, he will be melted down and turned into legos, this way kids can play with him for a change. --- The Pope and Tiger Woods died on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to hell and Tiger Woods went to heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. “However”, the clerk explains, “it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified”. The next day the Pope is called and Hell’s staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from heaven and they stop to have a chat. “Sorry about the mix up”, apologizes the Pope. “No problem” replied Tiger Woods. Pope: “I am really anxious to get to heaven.” Tiger: “Why is that?” Pope: “All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.” Tiger: “You’re a day late.” --- Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God... "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world. and yet created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!" God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, so where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you". Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water. laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect." Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!". "Fine", said God. And off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Mm, I think I prefer Hell." he told God. "Fine," retorted God, " as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked. Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?:" God says, "Oh, that was the screen saver" --- After a meeting with the Pope, Bill Clinton held a press conference and announced that they had a very successful conference and had agreed on about 60% of what they discussed. When asked what they discussed, Clinton replied: “The Ten Commandments.”  |
