Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman Jokes: Who doesn't like taking the piss out of the Irish, or the Scottish or the English for that matter. Any other visiting nationality to this site may not get these jokes. Don't worry, it's not really that complicated, just hilarious. --- An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing." --- An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere is South America.They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. "Well" said the barman "that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1: Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes; 2: Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot, and 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman". What happens if we fail they enquired. "If ye fail and survive", the barman said, "ye'll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe". Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold. The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself. The Irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - "now" he says " where is that lady with the thorn in her foot" --- One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Irishman too , picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!" --- There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!" --- An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are all stranded on an island. They've been there for years, when one day the englishman finds a lamp buried in the sand. He starts to polish it and out pops a genie. Oh thank you master says the genie, I will grant you all one wish! The Englishman says...Oh how I'd love to be at Lords sipping a Gin and Tonic, watching the cricket. Big flash, cloud of smoke and he's gone! The scotsman says...see you jimmy,I wish I was at Hampden Park with a few mates watching the football. Big flash , cloud of smoke and he's gone! The Irishman says "Bejesus its gonna be awful lonely here without them, can you bring them back"???? --- An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were caught by partisans of a downtrodden Arab sheik, who decided that they must be shot. The three remembered that the partisans were scared to death of natural disasters, and that it might be possible to escape. The Englishman was taken out to be shot, and suddenly looked to the left and yelled, "Flood!" There was instant chaos and the Englishman escaped. When order hand been restored, the Scotsman was taken out to be shot. He suddenly looked to the right and yelled, "Sandstorm!" Again there was chaos, and the Scotsman escaped. Then the Irishman was taken out. He looked straight ahead at the troops and yelled, "Fire!". And they did... --- There is an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman driving through the desert. They are driving along at quite a rate when the fan belt snaps. "Fanbelt's gone lads, we'll have to abandon the jeep." says the Scotsman turns to the others and goes, "Right on guys take one thing that will be of use." The englishman opens up the bonnet and rips out the radiator. The scotsman turns around and says, "What you gonna do with that?" "It's still got a bit of water in it, I can use it as a canteen." Says the Englishman "Good thinkin," says the Scotsman removing the hood. "What use is that?" says the Englishman. "You know I burn easily, It'll keep the sun off." "Good point." The two turn round to ask the Irishman what he's taking. They are both shocked to find the Irishman breaking his back trying to tear the passenger's door off. "Paddy? What the hell you gonna do with that?" they ask. "Well, when I get too hot I can wind the window down." --- An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman were all volentered to spend a year in a Biosphere where they would be locked away from everything and everyone. As the Englishman was entering his Biosphere they asked him what would he like to take with him, the reply was his wife. No problem - they locked him and his wife into the Biosphere. Then it was the Scotsman's turn - they asked him what he would like. "100 crates of Whiskey" was the answer. No problem. In went 100 crates of whiskey. Then it was paddys turn. Paddy thought long and hard and decided he would take 100 cartons of cigarettes which he got. They then locked him away. One year later they open the Englishman's Biosphere where him and his wife came out happy and content. Next the Scotsman. They opened his Biosphere and had to carry him out. They then turned to Paddy. Opened his Biosphere where Paddy popped his head out and asked "anyone got a light?". --- A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around. The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you five.'' At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.'' The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.'' --- An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all builders working on a bridge. The Englishman opens his lunch-box and says, "If I get one more tuna sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Scotsman opens his lunch box and says, "If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The Irishman then says, "If I get one more egg sandwich, I'm going to jump off this bridge." The next day, all three get the same lunch, all three jump off the bridge, and all three die. At their funeral, the Englishman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like tuna." The Scotsman's wife says, "If only I'd known he didn't like ham." The Irishman's wife says, "I don't understand it. He made his own sandwiches." --- An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers. Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers." Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!" --- A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were discussing the infidelity of their wives. "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician", said the Englishman, "because I found an electrician's toolbox under her bed last night." "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber", said the Scotsman, "because last night I found a plunger under her bed". "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse", said the Irishman, "because last night I found a jockey under her bed." --- A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman find a wizard on the top of a tall cliff. The wizard orders them to jump off the cliff, but he also promises that if they say anything while falling, they will get it at the bottom of the cliff. So first, the Englishman jumps off the cliff and shouts, "Pillows!" and so he lands on some pillows. Then the Scotsman jumps off the cliff, and he shouts, "Hay!" and so he lands on some hay. Finally the Irishman runs to jump off the cliff, but he trips on a rock just before the jump and says, "Aw, shite!" --- There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again. --- An Englishman and a Scotsman both walked into a bar. The Irishman ducked underneth it.  |
